Hi, there. I'm sure you know by now that my little ol' five and dime known as Condom Country is theee oldest place on this frontier where you can purchase condoms and other below-the-belt-buck'l dee-vices. But this was not always the case, no sir. So sit right down there, young varmit, and let me tell you the legend of how Condom Country came to be:
It all started many, many moons ago when my daddy, Prophylactic Paul, opened the doors on Condom Country right next to the Valley of the Dolls
, a drinkin' and cavortin' establishment in eastern Kansas, juss across the state line from Joplin', Mo-ssuri. I remember many an aft'rnoon when I'd come home from school early for nuthin' but to help daddy run the store. Don't go lookin' for it, tho', it ain't there no mores.
My daddy, he was a good man and an honest one too, but when the great saddle rash of '72 hit, he was forced to sell his last 3-pack and close up shop. The unbar'ble sorrow of the moment left him a dried and whithered old condom cowboy, and he passed on soon after.
Well, I wusn't doin' nuthin' at the time, so I took my chances, hitched up my faithful horse Latex, and brung the idear for anuther Condom Country to The Big Apple, Nooooow York City, where I reckon' I becames an urban cowboy of sorts.
Latex and I, well we found ourselves down at the end of ol' Bleeker Street in Greenwitch Village. It was in that very same lo-kay-shun that The Country, as our many admir'rs preefer to call us, enjoyed modest success.
But Latex and I, we were born to the wayward wind, so we picked on up and moved to Boston, where to this very day we enjoy a fine relat-, relat-, relat-, ah, a fine standin' among all our neighbors, from Cambridge to the Back Bay.
We was goin' along real nice when our first big break come and hit us like a bolt of Loosiana lightnin'. It seems that our very own Condom Country was seee-lected from among eight of our fiercest competitors to provide the "One condom--soiled" which was used in the opening scene of that classic picture show, The Blues Brothers
Lordy, lordy, lordy did that break bring us much popalarity. In fact, we even gained the interest of Sydney Biddle Barrows
, and Condom Country soon became the sole bulk supplier of condoms to The Mayflower Madame. Upon Ms. Barrows' dee-mise, some of her old employees brought word of Condom Country's high quality see-lection, ex'llent prices, and rapid service to a young rascally type in the world's oldest profession, Heide Fleiss
. It was here that Condom Country gained its repatation as providing "Condoms to the Stars".
The repatation of Condom Country was not limited to the shores of America, tho'. One of our proudest moments come when we were chosen by the Queen Mother herself to provide the condom that Prince Charles
shared with soon-to-be princess Diana Spencer
on the couple's second date, and the condom that Prince Andrew
shared with Miss Fergie
on their first date. As a result of our supurb service, yourn truly, Prophylactic Pete
, the Condom Cowboy, was knighted.
Now, of course, it seems that the immense popularity of Condom Country just keeps growin' and growin'. Condom Country has been an Official Sponsor of Madonna's
last two world tours. We are also the official pro-vider of them dental dam thangs to the Indigo Girls
, and are the official condom provider to Wilt Chamberlain
, Alberto Tomba
, and Joey Buttafuoco
Condom Country is a 3-time winner of the Margaret Singer Sanger Award
for Contraceptive Excellence
, given each year by F.L.O.G.
, the Foundation for Lengthy, Ostentatious Groans.
Ya'all should remember: at Condom Country, no job is too big or too small. Tell your friends about us and add Condom Country to your homepage. The URL is http://www.condom.com
Some of the above claims may be slightly exaggerated. Some of the above claims may be severe hyperbole. Some of the above claims may be completely untrue. Don't hold us to any of them.